Dreams by Cranberries are blasting through my headphones while I am sitting on the hospital bed, watching how yellow and red leaves are slowly dancing in the air before falling on the pavement.

In 5 days, I am turning 26. It’s a birthday, which is so close by, yet feels so far away. I know for the fact that I will be a very different person by the time it comes. That unknown unpredictability scares me. 

Tomorrow my life will change, and I don’t know how much or how severely. I am sick. It is serious. But I will get better. Yet, in what terms and what I will have to sacrifice to do so is unpredictable. Before anybody asks what happened or what’s wrong, I am going to answer that as briefly as I can.  I have something that is called endometriosis; it has gotten so bad – it spread to my intestines and appendix.

Tomorrow morning, I am going into surgery with hopes that doctors will be able to save my reproductive ability. Yet, this little post is not about that.  It’s about finding glimmers of light in the darkness we all find ourselves time from time.

This year has been extraordinarily hard for all of us: War, pandemic, global warming, personal tragedies. Many of us felt powerless, stuck, almost as if we were part of some twisted reality tv plot. I remember I kept telling myself; things will get better; they have too, they must while they kept getting worse. Naively enough, I still believe things get better, and I all of this, one day be a distant memory.  No matter who I will become, what parts of myself I will have to burry – I am still going to be me, and I am still going to do everything in my power to live my life in it’s fullest with all the adjustments I might have to make.

 
During these past months, I realised how hard is to go alone trough such experiences, as no matter how beloved you are by your parents or friends they can’t give you the same amount of psychological reassurance partner could. I guess,  during these past months I been longing to hear somebody to voice straightforward thought to me you still will be loved, no matter what happens, no matter who you become and you won’t be left alone. Or I guess that selfish human greed to have somebody by your site constantly you could feel comfortable relying on. For this reason, I really hope that I will meet a person as such for myself sooner rather than later.

I got so tired of hearing everything will be okay, as this world thought me harsh realities of life, and how hard it can get if you feel broken and if you feel as you don’t fit in. However, alongside those harsh lessons, it also thought me what there is lots of light, so I made a promise to myself that no matter what happens tomorrow I will still love myself and I still will believe in myself, and I still will accept myself. It is only promise I can give to myself right now.

I remember when I was feeling very down this summer a friend of mine wrote to me asking if I had built a tent in my living room? That simple message gave me so much strength – as there was someone who understood the confusion I was feeling and managed to point me in the right direction in that emotional maze. That simple question had so much power, and many would not understand why, but that person knew, and I guess unknowingly he reminded me of power I had inside of me.  He reminded me that I  have an ability to see the magic in ordinary objects around me, and I am not going to lose that ability even if I lose my spirits, or experience change. I will always have that ability to see the magic around me. I will build magic fairy tents to lure dragons inside.

All in all, change is inevitable. Perhaps, change is essentially meaningless and to make sense of fast-changing landscapes in front of us; we assign meaning to it. Meaning that suits our needs in that given situation. Truly with changes,  sometimes we are ready for them; sometimes we are forced into them. This time around, I have little choice, but to welcome an unknown future.

We all have our own little tragedies, our sad endings and tragic beginnings – however, sometimes we forget that no matter how powerless we feel at any given moment, we are still authors of our own stories.

I am saying goodbye to my old self, but I am sure I am going to be as the Phoenix, reborn from my ashes, more passionate about this world, about my place in it and more daring to be who I want to be not who I feel I have to be.

No matter what happens, no matter how lonely we feel, we should always try not to stop believing in ourselves – our ability to grow, to overcome and to change and bloom no matter how harsh are the conditions. 

During these shorts months, I learnt not to ignore the pain I was feeling physical or mental, and stop trying to push through it. That is silly, that is exhausting, and that brings us to hospital rooms. Instead, acknowledge that and that it’s hard as we all grew up in a culture that suffering is normalised, if everybody is in pain and carry on, you should do that too. .. But you shouldn’t, you should embrace how you feel and seek remedies for such states.

Be happy, be brave and no matter what happens in the future even if the steps you are taking a small and slow. It is worth it. It has to be. It will be if we assign the meaning to it by our free will. There is a lot of magic in this world, and there is no reason ever to give up our ability to see it.

Lots of love,

Fairy from The North

P.s. I am who I am, and I need to have some say in my future. For this reason, I dragged a friend of mine Anna to a middle of nowhere in order to say goodbye to myself I am about to lose, to make sure what I have something to remember it with. We took 25 pictures of me during spam of three days, and some of them I carefully crafted into this post, some I will share later.

P.s.s. I never apologised for all grammatical inconsistencies and spelling mistakes; however, I feel this blog would never exist if I would go through my texts before publishing them so bare with me.

P.s.s.s. I am scared. There is no denying it. Yet, I am trying my best to hold myself together. As it’s beyond my control